Happy Fall B*tches

Happy Fall Witches.

Ahhhh, what a grand time of year. The trash cans overflowing with Starbucks cups. The unimaginable amount of food products that are PSL infused — ever heard of pumpkin spice salsa?  The incredible way American college girls can make any costume slutty — we’re all guilty. Slutty Peter Pan…really? Absolutely. This is such a magical time of year; you can take home those booty shorts and pull out the oversized sweatshirts and CARBS (hell ya).

What are your spooky plans for this fall? I have a few suggestions.

  1. If you haven’t had a photoshoot in a pumpkin patch, what exactly have you been doing all October? Don’t have anyone to go with? Join a sorority. You’ll have approx. 37 volunteers to accompany you.

    YA this is from last year. YA I am going this weekend solely for an updated picture. Bye


  2. Puh-lease tell me you’ve made plans for Halloween. Don’t be that loser (Me) watching Riverdale until 2 in the morning. Unless you have a reason not to go out (me again. Why? That answer will be exposed in a future blog post xoxo nosey hoes), get yo ass to that frat and celebrate the last potential weekend that won’t be freezing as f**k. Once November hits, your go-to outfits are packed away and the social life dwindles to the hardcore partiers who don’t give a shit if they get frostbite they’re just here for a good time.

    Last minute costumes are the worst costumes. #sry #I’lldobetter

  3. Should you eat that chocolate chip pumpkin cookie? It’s not on your diet though….eat the damn cookie. Whoever said summer bodies are made in the winter was seriously disturbed. Have you ever heard of Thanksgiving? I classify the entirety of November as a month celebrating food, and so should you. Get back to working that shit off in December justtttt in time to get some cute new workout gear for Christmas.

    Does this angle make my butt look big?

  4. Filter the heck out of your fall photos; the colors of those leaves can’t make themselves pop, homegirl. If anyone gives you shit, just remind them to look at your perfect Instagram aesthetic and compare it to their bland feed.
  5. Hit up bath and body works and buy at least 6 fall candles. Proceed to burn them until your entire apartment smells like a mixture of autumn candy apple and spiced pumpkin pie — if the scent isn’t strong enough to knock out a small animal, buy more candles.

    Enjoy my very fall looking doge, Piper

  6. Stalk Pinterest and find that new fall hair color. This isn’t a want its a NEED. If  Jack from anatomy 101 is going to finally notice you, make a statement girlypop. Best of luck.

    Fall as F**k

Stay basic, fall bitches.

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